i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
