I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
It's rum buckets o'clock
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
