please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
