I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
