A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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