yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
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