So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
i wish my penis had a tongue
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I did not marry a roomba.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
