Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
