Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
