So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
