um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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