So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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