I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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