so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
