If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
