This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
