I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
