apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
