its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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