I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
