so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
