The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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