she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
