There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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