How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
