i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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