I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
The feeling are messing with the penis
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
