yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
