After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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