Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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