I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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