If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
