in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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