I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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