I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
