I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize