i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I just googled if crying burns calories
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Every concussion has its silver lining
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
