How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
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