I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
