Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
That was an excessively violent trivia night
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
