there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Randomize