I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
