i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
