I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
