I am puke
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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