Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
