Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
