Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
