you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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