I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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