You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
