ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
