Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
