Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
