I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
