Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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