I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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