I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
