Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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